Local Fantasy Football Manager That Doesn't Understand Analytics Hates Analytics

A recent Fayetteville, North Carolina fantasy league meeting erupted in chaos as one league member, account executive Doug Whitman, declared war on mathematics, statistics, and numbers in general, after a number of Power Rankings outlets and analytics engines rated his team as the worst in the league.

“I know numbers,” Whitman shouted, during his 14 minute rant, “For Pete’s sake, I got a C+ in Algebra 2. And I know that a record of 2-3 is better than 1-4. It’s simple math, people!”

The league has a peculiar rule in place that says the last place team, based on Power Rankings, and not head to head record, is responsible for supplying the French Onion dip for the team meetings. It is unknown as to whether Whitman’s primary objection was with his team’s last place rating, or with the requirement that he supply the league meeting with French Onion dip for the 5th straight week.

This is handmade quality shit we’re talkin’ here!

“Look, I get it,” he continued on, uninterrupted, “We all signed the league constitution. I put my ol’ John Hancock right on the line like everyone else. But it just doesn’t make any sense that I’m still in last place, even though I beat Carrie AND I beat Spence. How is my team not better than theirs when I BEAT THEM IN OUR GAME?!? I mean, dammit folks, I’m 2-3, and Spence is 1-4. How can you guys not see the conspiracy here?”

“We’ve tried explaining basic analytics to him,” Spence told us, “I made several Powerpoints on Power Rankings and management efficiency and we’ve had extensive conversations about other metrics. They’ve all gone poorly.”

“Yeah I remember the Powerpoints,” said Whitman, when we reached out to him, “It was infuriating. I didn’t see anything about carries or catches or yards or, God Forbid, Touchdowns. It’s like real football doesn’t even exist. Just all of these letters. ADOT, VORP, DVOA. If you can’t explain it to a 5 year old in under 30 seconds, it’s too complicated.”

“We even offered to comp him for the onion dip,” Carrie said, “But he started screaming about onion dip money not accounting for the gas required to go to the store. Then he started in on the purity of mathematical principles.”

“It’s not the money. I can afford onion dip,” Whitman told us, “It’s the principle. Whoever is the worst team should bring the onion dip. That’s not me.”

“It’s all this new math,” Whitman shouted at one point during his tirade, “All of a sudden, they’re teaching new math, they’re telling me that 2-3 is worse than 1-4. Next, 1 + 1 = 3, I guess. Well, not on my watch!”

“And then he walked out,” Garrett Trank said, confused, “It’s really unclear who he’s mad at.”

Whitman did return at the end of the meeting to gather the leftovers of his French Onion dip.

“I brought it. It’s mine.”